Della Galton, who shall hereby be known as Teetotaller Big Knickers (TBK for short) doesn’t know I’m here so I’m going to have to be quick.
Right then. Now, as I’m sure, you all know, being an intelligent lot (We wordsmiths are very intelligent, aren’t we) that the reason I’m here is so I can set the record straight and tell you the truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth, (rather than the, quite frankly, libellous version in Ice and a Slice) about what happened at my parents’ ruby wedding anniversary party.
Am I really here? (Pinches self to check) Ouch! Did that too hard! (note to self to pinch lighter in future, or somewhere it doesn’t hurt, or maybe have a little restorative G&T, I mean T, I mean TEA prior to pinching…) Never mind, where was I?
Ah yes, setting the record straight. Now, if you do happen to have read Ice and a Slice (I’m the star, did I mention that?), well all I can say is that I hope you didn’t believe what you read. I’m not as bad as TBK makes out, you know. (nowhere near) In fact I hardly ever drink as a rule (except tea of course). And all that stuff she said I got up to at my parents’ Ruby Wedding Party. Well it’s nonsense, of course. Or at best, grossly exaggerated. I mean, I’m sure you didn’t believe a word of it, did you J
For a start I did NOT wreck my niece’s chances of a bit of how’s your father with her boyfriend.
That absolutely did NOT happen. I would never do anything so insensitive as to barge into someone’s private bedroom and cause a big scene (even if they weren’t supposed to be in there and it was dark and I thought they were someone else.) I’m talking rhetorically now, of course, because that bit didn’t happen.
Basically, the true story is that Tom (he’s my husband) and I went to my parents’ Ruby Wedding Anniversary. And just for the record, I did not make lists of excuses not to go.
I did not – and never would – invent a whole pile of reasons so I didn’t have to be in the same room as my sister for five years. I would never do such a thing. I l…l…lo….loathe, I mean love my sister. I LOVE my sister to bits in properly sisterly very nice fashion, as all sisters should!
Anyway, we went to the party, and it was all very lovely, and everyone got on frightfully well, and we all sat around and ate egg and cress sandwiches and cheese and cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and we drank lovely big cups of tea. (I love tea).
And there was no drunkenness (apart from the darts players – their wives were the worst – oh and my aunt Evie – she’s an old soak!). And there was no lying down under the fridge (certainly not by me). And that pea story that TBK told you – you know about the escapee pea – there’s a pun there somewhere, escapee pea – escapea – da daaa. I’m a whizz with words, you know. I teach poetry and a pint on Wednesday evenings, and we have such fun. And we all sit around reading poetry and drinking pints of – um – tea.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes the party, well all the stuff TBK wrote about what I did in the book. It’s all complete nonsense. Actually, I’ll let you into a secret, shall I? It’s TBK who’s the drunk, not me. You should see her when she gets going – dances on tables and everything. (And she can’t dance either, but she thinks she can.) It’s hilarious – if ever you get the chance to watch her, you know if she invites you to a party or anything, do go. And take your camera.
I’d go but there wouldn’t be any point. I don’t drink, you see. I’m practically teetotal – did I mention that?
Ha! So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, TBK Galton.
(Oh – and if you want to read TBK’s version of events – then you’ll have to buy the book. Ice and a Slice it’s called.) Click here to check it out. Bits of it are quite good. The bits that show me in a good light like when I’m – um – helping people with their charity work and – um – knitting jumpers for poor people. I do a lot of knitting in the book. It’s on page – um – 45 the knitting bit. (I think.)
But bear in mind – the party bit is all lies, lies, lies. Complete nonsense. I shall be doing more setting the record straight very soon. Watch out for me in blogs around the country! Oh, and if you want to book me, you’ll have to go through my agent, TBK (Della Galton), or you could just sneakily get in touch via my Facebook Page, Ice and a Slice (which she’s not allowed on). Or email me at SarahJaneCrosse@Googlemail.com. Or tweet me @SarahJaneCrosse. Look forward to hearing from you very soon.
Bye for Now. SJ xxx